Friday, January 10, 2003
Happy Anniversary to no one.
Yesterday morning, I said to Paul: "Please be at my place by 8:30pm." When he asked "why?", I said: "Just be there."
When I got home yesterday, I immediately went to the grocery store and bought the materials for a very nice dinner. We were to start with shrimp cocktail. After this, we would move to a very special blend of cheese and mashed potatoes, Italian chicken and Italian bread. For dessert, strawberry cheesecake. I also rented the movie BeetleJuice cuz he had been wanting to see it again.
I turned my room into a little restaurant. I set up a little table with a table cloth, nice napkins, candles, a flower, etc. I even took a picture of us and hung it right by the mini-table. I put his gift at his place setting and did what I could to prepare the dinner. At 8:25pm, the phone rings and it's Paul.
"I'm leaving now, so I will be there in about 40 minutes."
Disheartened, I say "Ok" and wait patiently for him.
At 10PM (!) the door bell rings and it's Paul. He walks in holding a Duane Reade bag and I think: "He didn't just go shopping for me now. He didn't."
We go into my bedroom and I am nothing but sweet to him. I feel horrible inside that my boyfriend has gotten there so late and that so far he has done nothing to make this day special for me. He never even called me at work yesterday. Without even being prompted, he says: "I needed a nap." "But Paul", I say, "I asked you to be here at 8:30pm." "I told you I needed a nap", he says.
The tear in my heart increases as I start serving the king his fucking dinner. (can you tell I am a bit angry and hurt today?)
He shoves his face with food and I serve him course after course. The food turned out wonderfully and I was quite impressed at what I put together. The mashed potatoes turned suck, but I saved them with a little TLC and Paul did say that they were the "best mashed he'd ever had." Once I cleaned up the entire mess, Paul said: "Time for presents". I opened mine first. The card he wrote had five lines in it and was filled with typos and messy handwriting. "I love you Joe. You are everything to me. Happy Anniversary." FUCKING SNORE. "Did you write this on the subway ride over here?", I think.
I open my gifts and was UNPLEASANTLY surprised to find that he got me two dvd's. "Requiem for a Dream" which is one of my favorite movies and "GIA", which I didn't like that much before and now after receiving it as my anniversary gift, I hate. I also got a box of popcorn. Gee, thanks. I could hardly contain my excitement. Mind you, this is my Christmas gift as well. Two special events combined.
I take a deep breath and say "thank you" over and over. I am not one for being ungrateful, even when I feel like he has just given me my own broken heart in a gift bag.
I give him his gift.
He opens the envelope to his letter and says: "What is this? A book?" My gaze turns into a glare and I say: "Please just read it."
He does read it and seemingly loves it. He says that I "write well" and that it contained "all the things he needed to hear." I remind him about the gift, cuz he seems to have forgotten. He opens up the watch and his jaw hits the floor.
Yes that's right Paul...I spent time, thought, and money on your gift. He is dumbfounded. He immediately tries it on and explains to me that he has never had a wristwatch. I respond with: "I know. That's why I got it for you." He plays with it for awhile and definitely loves it. I sense that maybe he feels bad about getting me crap. But I don't know.
He puts the watch back in the box and asks me to turn on the movie. I do as he says and realize to myself that this is supposed to be my anniversary too. Not just his. Why am I cooking the dinner? Why am I giving gifts based on love when his are based on convenience? Why is he acting as though I OWE this all to him? We start the movie and I begin to get really upset. My throat swells as I hold back the tears. I tell him, very nicely, that I don't like the movie "Gia" and want to exchange it for "Magnolia". He responds by throwing the movie across the room and saying: "Fine".
I just sit quietly.
About half-way through the movie, I serve him his cheesecake and he says: "thank you". I mention to him that "I feel as though you didn't put much thought into this holiday".
"Well Joe, this is your thing. This is what you like to do."
WHAT?!
what?
oh.
I say: "Paul, honestly...I have bent over backwards for you and have done everything in my power to make NYC a home for you. I am supportive about finding you a job and wiping your tears when you are depressed. You knew this day was important to me and you have done nothing for it. In fact, you have done everything in your power to make it worse for me."
"You know what Joe? I pay for everything when we go out (which is SIMPLY NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!) and I am giving to you all year long."
oh my god. OH MY GOD! The anger and hurt and frustration is building inside of me and I know I am going to blow. I turn back to the television and we finish watching the movie.
I didn't even laugh when Beetlejuice got his head shrunk and that is my favorite part. Instead, I had to keep biting my tongue so that I wouldn't cry. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. He doesn't deserve even that.
As we turned the movie off, I said: "You know...you could plan something for Saturday that would be just for us. I would feel much better then." He says: "Ok". We watch a few minutes of mindless tv and as we turn the light off, I say again: "You know, I would really like it if you planned something on Saturday." He responds with: "Yeah".
He barely kisses me goodnight.
This morning I get up and get ready for work as he lies there in bed. When I get back from the shower, Paul informs me that his friend, Stephen, might be visiting town tonight and he would like for us to go out with him. I say: "Maybe", but inside I am thinking "fuck no". Then he says: "Jen and Lisa want to go out tomorrow night (saturday) and I want to take them somewhere cool. Where do you think we should go?"
I look at him and my jaw hits the floor.
"Are you kidding?", I calmly ask.
He just looks at me blankly.
I say: "Ok. I gotta go. Call me later if you want." I kiss him and leave.
And that's that! That is my 3-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I don't have much more to say on the topic. I think you can understand how I feel. It was a horrible evening. It would have been better if he didn't show up at all. At least then I could be angry at something concrete. Instead, I sit here and feel like he doesn't love me at all. Like he is done with me. Like he doesn't know me at all and frankly doesn't care. What am I going to do?
I can't call him today and scream at him. I am so tired of fighting over this kind of shit. I shouldn't have to yell at my boyfriend over something like this. I shouldn't have to beg him to spend a little time picking out a gift or writing me a nice card.
Maybe he loves me, but doesn't like me very much. Maybe...maybe it's not fair that I sit here driving myself crazy about all of this, when I know that he is sitting there thinking soley about his life and what he's going to do with Jen and Lisa this weekend.
I am going for drinks with Rita right after work. Yes, I am using booze as an escape. I just want to laugh a little today. Yesterday, I didn't. Paul can call all he wants. I think I am going to be "away from the phone" all weekend.
I hurt right now.
And the worst part...
is that he doesn't care.
Yesterday morning, I said to Paul: "Please be at my place by 8:30pm." When he asked "why?", I said: "Just be there."
When I got home yesterday, I immediately went to the grocery store and bought the materials for a very nice dinner. We were to start with shrimp cocktail. After this, we would move to a very special blend of cheese and mashed potatoes, Italian chicken and Italian bread. For dessert, strawberry cheesecake. I also rented the movie BeetleJuice cuz he had been wanting to see it again.
I turned my room into a little restaurant. I set up a little table with a table cloth, nice napkins, candles, a flower, etc. I even took a picture of us and hung it right by the mini-table. I put his gift at his place setting and did what I could to prepare the dinner. At 8:25pm, the phone rings and it's Paul.
"I'm leaving now, so I will be there in about 40 minutes."
Disheartened, I say "Ok" and wait patiently for him.
At 10PM (!) the door bell rings and it's Paul. He walks in holding a Duane Reade bag and I think: "He didn't just go shopping for me now. He didn't."
We go into my bedroom and I am nothing but sweet to him. I feel horrible inside that my boyfriend has gotten there so late and that so far he has done nothing to make this day special for me. He never even called me at work yesterday. Without even being prompted, he says: "I needed a nap." "But Paul", I say, "I asked you to be here at 8:30pm." "I told you I needed a nap", he says.
The tear in my heart increases as I start serving the king his fucking dinner. (can you tell I am a bit angry and hurt today?)
He shoves his face with food and I serve him course after course. The food turned out wonderfully and I was quite impressed at what I put together. The mashed potatoes turned suck, but I saved them with a little TLC and Paul did say that they were the "best mashed he'd ever had." Once I cleaned up the entire mess, Paul said: "Time for presents". I opened mine first. The card he wrote had five lines in it and was filled with typos and messy handwriting. "I love you Joe. You are everything to me. Happy Anniversary." FUCKING SNORE. "Did you write this on the subway ride over here?", I think.
I open my gifts and was UNPLEASANTLY surprised to find that he got me two dvd's. "Requiem for a Dream" which is one of my favorite movies and "GIA", which I didn't like that much before and now after receiving it as my anniversary gift, I hate. I also got a box of popcorn. Gee, thanks. I could hardly contain my excitement. Mind you, this is my Christmas gift as well. Two special events combined.
I take a deep breath and say "thank you" over and over. I am not one for being ungrateful, even when I feel like he has just given me my own broken heart in a gift bag.
I give him his gift.
He opens the envelope to his letter and says: "What is this? A book?" My gaze turns into a glare and I say: "Please just read it."
He does read it and seemingly loves it. He says that I "write well" and that it contained "all the things he needed to hear." I remind him about the gift, cuz he seems to have forgotten. He opens up the watch and his jaw hits the floor.
Yes that's right Paul...I spent time, thought, and money on your gift. He is dumbfounded. He immediately tries it on and explains to me that he has never had a wristwatch. I respond with: "I know. That's why I got it for you." He plays with it for awhile and definitely loves it. I sense that maybe he feels bad about getting me crap. But I don't know.
He puts the watch back in the box and asks me to turn on the movie. I do as he says and realize to myself that this is supposed to be my anniversary too. Not just his. Why am I cooking the dinner? Why am I giving gifts based on love when his are based on convenience? Why is he acting as though I OWE this all to him? We start the movie and I begin to get really upset. My throat swells as I hold back the tears. I tell him, very nicely, that I don't like the movie "Gia" and want to exchange it for "Magnolia". He responds by throwing the movie across the room and saying: "Fine".
I just sit quietly.
About half-way through the movie, I serve him his cheesecake and he says: "thank you". I mention to him that "I feel as though you didn't put much thought into this holiday".
"Well Joe, this is your thing. This is what you like to do."
WHAT?!
what?
oh.
I say: "Paul, honestly...I have bent over backwards for you and have done everything in my power to make NYC a home for you. I am supportive about finding you a job and wiping your tears when you are depressed. You knew this day was important to me and you have done nothing for it. In fact, you have done everything in your power to make it worse for me."
"You know what Joe? I pay for everything when we go out (which is SIMPLY NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!) and I am giving to you all year long."
oh my god. OH MY GOD! The anger and hurt and frustration is building inside of me and I know I am going to blow. I turn back to the television and we finish watching the movie.
I didn't even laugh when Beetlejuice got his head shrunk and that is my favorite part. Instead, I had to keep biting my tongue so that I wouldn't cry. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. He doesn't deserve even that.
As we turned the movie off, I said: "You know...you could plan something for Saturday that would be just for us. I would feel much better then." He says: "Ok". We watch a few minutes of mindless tv and as we turn the light off, I say again: "You know, I would really like it if you planned something on Saturday." He responds with: "Yeah".
He barely kisses me goodnight.
This morning I get up and get ready for work as he lies there in bed. When I get back from the shower, Paul informs me that his friend, Stephen, might be visiting town tonight and he would like for us to go out with him. I say: "Maybe", but inside I am thinking "fuck no". Then he says: "Jen and Lisa want to go out tomorrow night (saturday) and I want to take them somewhere cool. Where do you think we should go?"
I look at him and my jaw hits the floor.
"Are you kidding?", I calmly ask.
He just looks at me blankly.
I say: "Ok. I gotta go. Call me later if you want." I kiss him and leave.
And that's that! That is my 3-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I don't have much more to say on the topic. I think you can understand how I feel. It was a horrible evening. It would have been better if he didn't show up at all. At least then I could be angry at something concrete. Instead, I sit here and feel like he doesn't love me at all. Like he is done with me. Like he doesn't know me at all and frankly doesn't care. What am I going to do?
I can't call him today and scream at him. I am so tired of fighting over this kind of shit. I shouldn't have to yell at my boyfriend over something like this. I shouldn't have to beg him to spend a little time picking out a gift or writing me a nice card.
Maybe he loves me, but doesn't like me very much. Maybe...maybe it's not fair that I sit here driving myself crazy about all of this, when I know that he is sitting there thinking soley about his life and what he's going to do with Jen and Lisa this weekend.
I am going for drinks with Rita right after work. Yes, I am using booze as an escape. I just want to laugh a little today. Yesterday, I didn't. Paul can call all he wants. I think I am going to be "away from the phone" all weekend.
I hurt right now.
And the worst part...
is that he doesn't care.
